


Shattered

by Missy_dee811



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Alternate Universe - 50 First Dates Fusion, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Married Couple, Married Life, Memory Loss, No Smut, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 08:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6322537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_dee811/pseuds/Missy_dee811
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a fix-it of sorts... It's also a 50 First Dates AU in which, Tony still deletes his brain, but he and Steve are married, they have a lot of baggage, and they have to work through things together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

  * For [XinRui](https://archiveofourown.org/users/XinRui/gifts), [Saved by the notepad (PreciousI)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Saved+by+the+notepad+%28PreciousI%29), [Squeeful](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squeeful/gifts).



> Based on this conversation on [Tumblr](http://viudanegraaa.tumblr.com/post/141467251376/adorkabledora-squeeful-adorkabledora).

Steve hears footsteps and makes his way slowly to the door. He peeks inside just as Tony’s walking to the door. He’s about to reach for the doorknob when Steve opens the door. Tony takes a step back, surprised but unafraid. He stops short upon seeing Steve, whose soft but guarded smile astounds him. “Hello… And you are?”

“Good morning, beloved. I have something I’d like to show you,” says Steve as he hands Tony a mug of coffee. It’s yellow with a black kitten. Tony looks at it fondly but can’t remember ever seeing it before. Tony opens his mouth but closes it quickly, unsure of what to say. He follows Steve, lingering a few steps behind him, all the while admiring his body as he moves effortlessly through their home. However, Tony doesn’t know it’s theirs. Not yet.

“Where – Where am I? Who are you? Where are you taking me? Why did you call me 'beloved?' Do we know each other? Who am I?” Tony begins rattling questions and Steve laughs quietly. “This is your – our – home. Your name is Anthony but you prefer Tony. I’m taking you to your favorite place. You are my beloved and yes, we know each other. Actually, I’m your husband and you’re the greatest man I’ve ever known.” Steve pauses and turns to look at Tony who had stopped moving, the mug in his hands barely touching his lips.

“Did you say I’m your husband? We’re married. I married _you_! Holy shit.” Tony admires his husband, lustfully.

“Is there something wrong,” asks Steve playfully. “Well, yeah. How do I know you’re telling the truth?” Tony eyes him quizzically and Steve replies, “You don’t. Follow me.” Steve starts walking again and Tony groans but follows him across the kitchen down a flight of stairs. They reach a thick, metal door with a keypad. Steve inputs a few numbers and the door swings open. Tony walks in behind Steve and pauses when he hears, “Welcome back, Mr. Stark.”

“Who is that?”

“Your AI. His name is JARVIS. You named him after your butler. He meant a great deal to you – to us.” If he’s rehearsed this before, it doesn’t seem apparent. Tony stands, completely stunned, as Steve turns on the lights and the giant workshop is awash in color: red and gold with hints of silver. Tables overrun with cables and laptops plugged into a central station.

“Is this – is this mine?” Steve turns and reaches for Tony’s hand but stops short and lets his hands fall to his sides. “Yes, darling. Everything here is something you designed and built with your own hands. Watching you work has always been a pleasure.” Tony catches his breath. He looks down at his hands and notices the cuts, scrapes, and callouses. “I built all of this.” Tony starts walking around the workshop. He reaches for tools intuitively.

He’s never done this before but he’s so sure he has.

Steve stands by the door and speaks, “You’re many things Tony: a genius, a billionaire, a superhero, but first and foremost, you’re a builder. You’ve built all the things you see before you.” Upon walking around the vast workshop, he heads back toward Steve. If he knew him better, he would have guessed he was anxious, unsure of what would happen next.

Tony thinks to himself, this is reckless. He reaches for Steve’s hand; their fingers mingling. He feels a jolt as they touch. “Are you really mine?” He looks at their hands, intertwined, as he speaks. Steve places his hand on top of theirs. “Yes.” Then, seemingly speaking to no one and everyone, he says, “JARVIS, please.”

From a platform in the center of the room a hologram appears. “Tony, I’m Tony.”

Tony stares at himself, or rather, a holographic projection of whom he once was. He turns to Steve, who’s still holding his hand, and squeezes softly. “Just watch,” responds Steve.

Tony turns back to face himself. The hologram is darting back and forth. “Sorry, this is a little weird. I’ve traveled back in time. I’ve traveled to the future, but in all that madness, I’ve never had to face myself. Not like this.” The hologram takes a deep breath. “This is going to sound stupid but if you understood, you’d agree. I know; we’re the same person. Oh God, why did I think this was a good idea?”

Tony shifts uneasily. He releases Steve’s hand, crosses his arms over his chest as the hologram centers, and composes himself. “Future Tony, I’m past Tony. You’re probably terrified and confused. I can’t say this will be easy – hell, it’s hard enough explaining this to you. I’m sorry. It was the only way. I had to protect everyone. You have to understand. I –”

He stops mid-sentence and starts darting back and forth again. Steve stands stoically. Tony begins tapping his feet, panic slowly setting in.  _What the hell is going on?_  “Tony, I only did this because I didn’t think there was another way. You would have done the same thing. I – I deleted my brain and thus, yours. You see, I’m actually a cyborg.” He takes another breath and runs his hands through his hair, “There was a killer on the loose. I tried fighting him but it almost killed me. I – I should’ve called for help but I thought I could handle it. I injected myself with an experimental virus, but before I did, I modified it so I could connect to my suits –” he waves across the workshop and points to the suits of armor, in their cases, lining the back wall. “Telepathically. I swear, it made sense at the time. Well, since then… A lot has happened.” Steve shifts uncomfortably and it catches Tony’s attention. He diverts his gaze for a moment and meets Steve’s cool, blue eyes. “Just keep watching,” says Steve, his eyes watering.

“I’m no longer connected to my suits in that way and neither are you. My mind was a computer on which I stored everything. I thought I could keep it safe. I didn’t trust anyone – there was no one left for me to trust.” Steve moves away from Tony, who glances his way, catching him wiping silent tears from his face.

The hologram continues speaking. “Tony, you’ll have to do this on your own. I don’t –” He pauses again, this time, tears welling up in his eyes. “Tony, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Nothing was supposed to be like this –”

Steve stops abruptly.  _This is different_  thinks Tony but he doesn’t know why. “I never let myself believe in God, but… I don’t know how to say this. Captain America –” Steve comes to a halt; the hologram continues unabated, “and Thor were… Whatever sense of a higher power I’ve ever had in this life came from them. From you. From who you thought I could be. Whenever I looked up… You were who I was looking at, for guidance, for leadership…”

“JARVIS, pause it,” says a voice Tony scarcely recognizes as Steve’s. He turns to look at Tony, sadness present in the hard lines on his face. “Dear God, Tony…”

Tony holds up his hand. “I’m not – I’m not him. That man – he  _loved_  you. I’m so sorry but I don’t even know who am I, let alone who you are. I – I can’t. I can’t do this. Maybe I shouldn’t have woken up…”

The tears continue falling but Steve composes his face. “No.”

“No?”

“There’s no way I’m letting you walk out of here… Not like this. Goddamn, not like this.”

“I don’t know you!”

“Fine – you don’t know me, but you know Captain America. You can’t lie and say this feels unfamiliar. You can’t lie and say you don’t feel the same pull. Dammit Tony, I’ve done this hundreds of times but today, for whatever reason, today you just don’t seem to remember anything!” Steve is shouting at Tony now, but it’s not at whom he’s upset. Tony stands his ground.

“Why is today any different?”

“How the hell should I know, I’m not the genius who deleted his brain!”

“I don’t even know your name!”

Steve opens his mouth and closes it. “You were getting better. Each day you’d remember more of whom you were. You’d remember bits and pieces of your life – our life. Yesterday… Yesterday we made love for this first time in months. You remembered me when you woke up. We were both so ecstatic and yet, here we are. Tony, I –”

Steve drops to his knees unable to control his tears anymore. Tony kneels down next to him. “Steve, listen –”

Steve looks up, aghast. “What did you just say?”

“I said ‘Steve, listen….’ Why are you –” Steve reaches for his hand. “Tell me something about me.” Tony sighs… “You’re still mad the Dodgers moved to California. You stay up to watch all the games even though they end at three in the morning. You have them recording on the DVR when we’re away.” Steve reaches for Tony and hugs him, wrapping his arms around his neck. Smelling his hair and letting the tears fall freely onto his shirt.

“How – how is this happening?”

“How is what happening, Steve? None of this makes any sense!”

"If I may,” says JARVIS from above. “It appears Mr. Stark has his memories, they are just inaccessible. His concern for your overrode those…restrictions.”

“Are you saying, Tony has had all his memories, this entire time?"

“I do not know, Captain Rogers. It seems as if that were the case. We can’t know what Tony was feeling, or what he was thinking when he deleted his mind. Perhaps, this had always been his contingency plan.”

Steve replies, bitterness seeping into his words. “Well, we’ll just have to find a way to access them.” Steve rises to his feet with Tony by his side, guiding him. Silently, he listens. “Yes, but Captain Rogers – this is not going to be a simple task. Mr. Stark’s mind has undergone quite a lot of trauma. This may be a difficult and uncomfortable experience for him. There may be things he wishes he had forgotten.” Steve looks down at the floor, deliberately avoiding Tony’s gaze.

“What – what are you so – Steve, what happened between us?”

Steve motions for them to sit. Tony obliges. “Tony, the day you asked me to marry you is one I’ll never forget. You invited every single person who had ever been an Avenger to the Tower for a party. We congregated in the living room. You hadn’t said why you were throwing a party and frankly, some of us were confused. You tend to stay away from events like that… You’ve been sober for years.” He shuffles his hands anxiously. Tony reaches for him and steadies him. “Please, continue.”

“After everyone had arrived, you stood and gave a speech. At the time, we had been together a short time but everyone knew... You told everyone how much loved me and why your life was infinitely better with me in it. Then,” he pauses taking in Tony’s body language. His shoulders are relaxed, his bright, blue eyes inviting. “You dropped to your knee in front of me and asked me to marry you. You pulled out a ring and everything. The team started hollering.” He laughs, fondly recalling the incident. “I thought it would be perfect. I thought everything would be perfect and for a while, it was. It was blissful… I’d wake up next to you. The taste of your skin on my tongue, the beating of your heart drumming in unison with mine. God, Tony, if I could go back – back to when things were painless, I would, even if nothing changed, just so I could relive it with you.”

Tony leans into him, his hands splayed across his thighs. “We could do that again, if you’d like. When I get better, we can do the same thing. We can renew our vows – well, you can renew yours – I don't remember mine. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

Steve laughs jovially. “Of course. That sounds perfect.”

“Why the sad face?”

“Because you don’t remember this. You’re looking at me the same way everyone who wasn’t there looks at me when I tell the story. You have nothing to add – you can’t. God, Tony, what kills me isn’t that you’ve lost your memories, it’s that I haven’t. I wake up every day wondering what it’ll be like when you wake, wondering if the man I love will ever really come back from the dead. My past, it seems, is filled with ghosts but –”

He stands and just as he starts walking away, Tony reaches for his hand, once more. “I’m not Bucky.”

“Dammit, Tony. I don’t know what you know anymore! I don’t know if you remember your favorite bagel. I don’t know if you remember how to code. I don’t know if you even remember how –”

“Steve, I know what you’re going to say, and never in a million years will I ever forget the day I met you. It’s the best day of my life.” Steve turns to face him.  _This must be new_  thinks Tony. “Have I – have I never told you?”

“No, you haven’t…. I’ve never listened to the full recording. I had – I had never heard you talk about me like before. You’ve said these things to me but I’ve never heard you tell others the way you feel about me. I know you recorded that for yourself but…”

“Steve, I have loved you with every fiber of my being and, even if my memories aren’t my own, or they’re not readily available, I will always remember what it means to fight alongside you, as a comrade, as a brother-in-arms, as my better half. I have loved you for so long and so deeply, I could never lose sight of that especially not when you look at me as if you were –” Tony stands, Steve’s hand still in his.

Steve abruptly cuts him off, pressing his lips to Tony’s; they kiss quickly before he pulls away. “Oh God, I’m sorry… I didn’t – I shouldn’t have – that wasn’t… I’m sorry, Tony.”

Tony closes the space between them, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Never apologize for kissing me. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I can’t – I can’t promise this will be easy but I promise I won’t give up.”

“I wouldn’t have expected anything else from you.”

“I know,” says Tony pulling away. He closes his eyes. Steve feels déjà vu as Tony’s eyes reopen much the same way they would’ve done with Extremis. “My mind is a mess. It feels like someone’s tried to rewrite some things but not others. I can’t – I can’t really know how much I’ll remember tomorrow, or even later today. I know it’s difficult.” He closes his eyes and paces. “It’s so difficult… You never know what I know. Steve, god – 'I’m so sorry… Something must’ve – what happened?”

“I didn’t want to tell you all of this now but… There – there was a war. We were on opposite sides.” Tony stops pacing, quietly listening. “It was bad, Tony. I moved out and moved back in with my ex. She and I rekindled our relationship. You watched from afar. Things between us got nasty… I – I tried killing you and you begged me. You begged me to kill you and after that – I just… Our last words were so full of pain, bitterness, and sadness. Then, my brainwashed girlfriend, under the control of one of my enemies, assassinated me. After that, your world fell apart. I had never heard you talk about that and listening to what you had to say reopened all those wounds. We’re never going to be perfect. What we once had is never going to be whole. I know that. I know that with every fiber of my being, but I have to believe we can fix this mess between us. I have to believe, Tony, without that hope – I have nothing.”

"Am I the man you love, or are you chasing a ghost?”

“If the answer to both is ‘yes,’ would you be mad?”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Then, my answer is yes. I want the person who was foolish enough to delete his brain to save the world. The man I was too foolish to approach when I awoke – it seems I’m not the only one who’s fond of chasing ghosts.” Tony laughs softly. “Yes, it would seem we have a habit of not actually dying just being dead long enough to royally fuck everything.”

Steve's smile is small and sad. “I have never stopped loving you. On those mornings I wake up next to you, I know the second you open your eyes the spell will be broken. Sometimes I linger, just for a few moments, and watch you sleep, but I’m always haunted by the same question: will he remember today?”

“How am I doing so far?”

“Yesterday was better, but it could be worse.”

“Do you get tired?”

“Yes, but don’t think I’m going to stop… I’m just worried… I didn’t imagine I’d spend my life like this.”

“What about the team?”

“Oh, I’m not active anymore… I haven’t been for a long time. I just – I do my best.”

“Steve, you can’t give up your life. Not for me, not for anyone.”

“I’m not giving up…”

“Don’t lie to me… You loved being an Avenger. You loved leading and taking charge. You can’t tell me you’re happy babysitting me like this.”

“I’m not –”

“Please, don’t try to spare my emotions; I know exactly what this is… I should’ve stayed dead. You’ve been wasting your time, Steve. It’s not worth it. All of this,” he gestures to the room before them, “I built with my own hands. Who knows how many hours I toiled in here and yet, all of this is foreign to me. Steve, you have to let me go. If I wake up tomorrow and I don’t remember… Walk away. God, this was never what I wanted.”

 

Tony walks out of the workshop before Steve can stop him. He sits and sobs.

 

 

Hours later he returns to find Steve eating dinner by himself. “I would’ve waited but I wasn’t sure.”

“Oh, that’s fine. I didn’t expect you to wait for me,” replies Tony.

“Where’d you go?”

“I went to the mansion.” Steve almost chokes on his food. “Why?”

“I needed to see it for myself. I started having all these flashbacks… I remember the mansion from when I was a kid. I knew how to get there, so I walked. I sat in the ruins, I thought about our conversation earlier, and I wanted to apologize. I know I’m asking too much of you but… I think – I think this is for the best, Steve. If I can never get my memories back… I’m a lost cause.”

“This relationship –”

“– Is a façade, Steve.” Tony crosses his arms but Steve can tell he’s shaking. His eyes well up with tears. “I’m – I’m going to bed now, Steve. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I hope you’ll remember me for whom I was.” The tears were rushing down his cheeks and before Steve could walk over to where he was standing, Tony walked away.

 

 

Steve stands outside the door of the bedroom. He knocks. “Come in,” says Tony just barely above a whisper.

“If you want me to leave you alone, I’ll go. I just wanted to say goodnight,” says Steve.

“You can come in,” replies Tony.

“Did you leave these out for me,” asks Tony, gesturing toward the photos laid out before him on the bed, as Steve walks into the room and toward him. “Yes. Sometimes they help jog your memory.” His hands are shaking. He sits on the edge of the bed.

"Is this how our great love story ends, Tony? You just give up. You think you’re sparing me some kind of pain by rewarding me with another. You think you get to decide how I want to suffer?”

“No, but I get to decide –”

“No, Tony… The moment you deleted your mind was the moment you stopped being able to make those decisions for yourself. If you want to leave, fine. If you want me to leave, well, that’s going to be harder, but if it’s really, what you want, I’ll do it. You’re asking me to let you die though. I can’t do that, not when I didn’t do everything in my power to prevent it.”

 

Taking a pillow, he walks out of the room. Standing by the door, he turns and says, “Goodnight, beloved. I hope to see you in the morning,” before shutting the door behind him.

 

In the morning, he waits until he hears Tony’s footsteps. He leaves the kitten mug with his coffee, the way he likes it, on the counter.

“Good morning, beloved,” says Tony through sips of coffee. Steve drops his paintbrush and turns to look at Tony. He flies to him and wraps his arms around his waist. “Please tell me you remember last night.”

“Steve, I remember last night and every night.”

“How?”

“I decrypted my internal hard drive. Those inaccessible memories are now accessible – some of them don’t make sense and it’ll take me a long time to decipher everything and differentiate but I needed to be asleep for it to work – same way you need to restart a computer when it’s downloading updates. There was also the risk I wouldn’t wake up…”

He sips his coffee. “I told you I wouldn’t give up and then, I did. I – I’m sorry, Steve. It’s not a perfect fix… There are still some gaps in my memory…”

“Do you remember how you helped me, originally, after I woke up?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I can’t tell you how alone I felt, how foreign and strange everything was, but you… You helped me understand. You were my guiding light. Tony, I would’ve never let you end your life. If you had awoken today with no memory of yesterday, I still would’ve done the same thing I do every day because you once did something like that for me and without you, I would’ve been so lost.” Tony replies, “That’s an entirely different situation, and you know it.”

“No, it isn’t…”

“Tony, would you do this for me?”

“Well, that depends.”

“On what,” asks Steve. Tony smiles softly and puts his mug down on top of the dresser. He strides over and cups Steve’s cheek, leaning in to kiss him. He replies, “What world am I waking up to?”

“Ours.”

**Author's Note:**

> Some dialogue is from Stark Disassembled and Hickman's Avengers.


End file.
